Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Alphawoman's Do's and Don'ts of Job Interviews

Since I am earnestly in the job hunt mode I have learned a few things the past couple of months that I will share with ya'll.

1) Do not be over 50. If you are over fifty, try to not look it. Do remember botox or collagen treatments. Never underestimate the effect of teeth whitening and hair dying.

2) Do have something that fits. Never wait until the last moment (that morning) to pull out your best suit only to find that you can not button it. And if you somehow are able to button it (by laying on bed and sucking in your gut) that the button does not pop off when you breath.

3) Be sure to begin your job search BEFORE the ECONOMY tanks.

4) Prepare for questions that may be asked during the interview process. Such as, "Who was your best boss and why" that you do not launch into a three minute ramble about Duffy and how he motivated the cocktail waitresses to work harder with a $100 bonus to the one that pushes the most alcohol beverages during a week's time. Once you are in the middle of it you are realize you do not know if your interviewer is a teetotaler whose father died of liver failure plus you have just revealed you were once a cocktail waitress!! When the slight panic settles in you once again begin to ramble about your worst boss being a woman and how you just can't work for a woman! Because at the conclusion of the interview you are informed that you (if you get the job...fat chance) will direct report to a woman.

5) Be prepared to answer the most inane questions. For example, "Where did you go to High School?" ...(WTF??)...and you supply the answer with the name of a Central Kentucky Catholic High School. "What was your primary area of study?"...(WTF? 35 years ago?) so that you do not blurt out some smart ass answer such as "Well, religion naturally!" Also be prepared to list your extracurricular activities, which when I was asked (I swear to God) all I could think of was us driving down those small back roads hurling empty Little King bottles at road signs. Do not snicker or snort when watching the long ago movie play in your head.

6) Try not to be older than the kid interviewing you. (hard to do at my age).

7) Never ever under any circumstances either by body language or facial expression that you consider your interviewer to be of inferior intelligence.

8) Never ever say, "Where are the women around here??"

9) Do have a joke prepared just in case you are asked to tell one! A good one is this..."Two guys are drinking in a bar..." (refer to #4)

10) Do change your shoes before going in for the interview to avoid looking down at your feet and seeing your muddy snow boots and blurting out, "Oh My God" and startling the interviewer.

I have encounter and committed every single one of these do's and don'ts.

That is why I am still unemployed.


V said...

I`m glad you still have your sense of humor. You have always been such an introspective writer.

I`ve missed your work.

Anonymous said...

An ex-bf of mine just turned 50. A younger engineer at his company said: How much longer do you plan on working?
He has never wanted to murder someone so much in his life.

mtrib2 said...

Thanks for the humor Mary. Certainly an employer will recognize your capability and intelligence. From what I gather, we are in a nation and world of change. We are no longer buying oil, cheap but quality goods from China, with exception that Wal-Mart is still reporting some gain. American cars are now going to improve, and union's should be a worker's right to join. Companies like AIG went into chaos not from mortgage's, but from derivatives, and hedge funds, which are equal to gambling. After having electricity out last night during 0 degree temp., I was warm with my woodburner, and though my water heat tape was out, I caught the problem in time, waking up finally and turning on the tap a little. Many attempts by the Electric Co. before success over almost 7 hours. My poor neighbor Christi had only small electric heaters. I will be buying her chicken feed, and some groceries she will have a little money for when I go to town Sunday. She looks in on an old disabled man down the road, I will buy coffee for. I was glad to send a little to him yesterday with her. I have to be thankful for what I have. mark and salty

distimpson said...

lmao, ya seems familar somehow. solution? we started a business, be your own boss. worst boss i've ever had, might just quit, also thinking about firing myself, or a promotion, we'll see how today goes. don

Anonymous said...

Hi Mary,

Got your request for assistance on the Give journal. I am sorry to inform you that we cannot help you. You are too old :-0.
~Mary(who is only slightly younger)

TJ said...

That was just to funny but the truth is the whole picture IS NOT!
I totally feel for you.
I am there, but lucky to work from home.
( PS> Thought about you in our travels through your beautiful state Kentucky. We was just a few hours ahead of that horrible storm heading back to Michigan. We drove through until we got closer to the Michigan border before we stop for the night.)