Saturday, August 28, 2004

Lost in Transition

This morning I was running around the little town I live in racking my brain for something to write about. I hate to think I am experiencing writers block...again! Running has a way of turning into a sort of mantra experience. When I was experiencing a "clean slate" this thought surfaced....people who truly meant something to me and are no longer a part of my life.

It was triggered as I jogged past his parents house. My childhood friend R. His car is backed into their drive way, as if he may jump into it any moment and drive back to Washington State, where he had escaped to many years before. The last time I heard from him was almost three years ago. His name popped up on my caller ID. He did not leave a message, I did not return his call.

He returned home to his parents, a laid off aeronautic engineer. He took a settlement, cashed in his 401-K and headed home after 20 years. He was an alcoholic. He is an alcoholic. He hooked up with another childhood friend of mine, G. And before I knew it I was entertaining the two of them most every night! One crazy absurd night R. turned to me and said, "If G. will not marry you then I will."  I looked from one nut case to the other..."These are my choices? I pass." Neither one has ever forgiven me.

R. was in his parents house, climbed out on the second story roof in a sleeping bag and promptly fell asleep, He rolled off the roof, fell to the ground and broke his back. They said he would never walk again, but he did. In 1997 he walked, with canes, into a funeral of yet another childhood friend of ours who dropped dead from a heart attack at 42.

And G.!!! I have written about G. before. He is a bad influence on me. I'll say no more. He is always there for me when I need him. If I ever need him again, he will be angry with me for awhile, then once again, be my best friend. I miss him the most...but he is the furthest away.

And F. One of my best friends. Lost everything in her life, her family, her home, her mind. Another alcoholic. I've written about her before too. I opened my home to her when she lost hers. The seduction and allure of alcohol and comfort of self medication has all but erased my friend. I see her occasionaly around Lexington.....I quickly run the other way.

C. in Louisville. When I was a young mother with an infant she and I shared apartments all over the Highland Area! We had a major  falling out when I said something.... I would give anything in the world to take it back. Bridget considered her the Wicked Step Mother...We always laughed about that. For many years Bridget had two very strong female influences on her development. I met C. in Murray when we first went to college in the early 70's. She was a good dear friend for many years.

Then there is S. And E. Two people I worked with at a company in Louisville for approximately 10 years! How do we lose touch like this. I loved them. I can not find them now.

People come and go. Leave an  indelible impression on your life and then leave. I miss every one of them. I dare not reach out to the dueling beau's......too complicated now that I am married! (also married a childhood can be so odd).  But the others, the girls, the women, the sisters.....? Why do we allow something so precious and rare as friendship to become so lost.




mlraminiak said...

When we get to be our age, one of the strangest things to realize is that people come into and GO OUT OF our lives...not necessarily through death.  It just seems so strange that people would move beyond us, or we would move past them.  It's a fact of life...not necessarily an easy one to digest...  Lisa  :-]

schoolgal040 said...

Hi there-
It really is sad how you can lose touch with your closest friends. People who see you through tuff times and happy. I have lost touch with many friends too. The good thing is you are always making more, which for me is nice. I enjoy your journal and you really are a great writer.

Enjoy the weekend.


sistercdr said...

I've wondered about this many times.  I have kept very few of my old friends. They've become just precious memories, yet each of them has a piece of me and I of them.  That doesn't go away just because we don't see each other.  I've never stopped wondering about their lives, and I wonder if they think of me, if I left as deep of an impression as I did.  Very wistful, very touching entry.

belfastcowboy75 said...

Just last week I met an old friend for a couple of beers. When we were teenagers, we competed to see who was the biggest lady's man. We lost touch, then I ran into him at my Dr.'s office. I was there for a check-up, he had recently had his prostate removed. It took 30 years, but I win.

sonensmilinmon said...

Interesting entry for me to read before I head back to my old home to visit some old friends.  I rarely seel them, I rarely write them.  We keep in touch each year for the holidays ... and other special occasions.  Anyway, I've been wondering how the vist will turn out.  Mmmmm.


mrccgoody said...

I don't know why that happens.  Sometimes I think that maybe it's a little thing that keeps us away, and then when it stretches to years we forget what the little thing was.  Or sometimes maybe it's too much effort to keep track if they are not directly involved in our day-to-day life.  I've let people go, too, and I still think about them and remember how important they were to me.  What I really think is, that we don't realize how important the friendship is until we don't have it anymore.

hope5555 said...

What a touching entry.  (I also think about things to write about when I am out running).  So sad that alcohol wreaked such havoc on so many lives.  Like you, there are a lot of people that I wish I had kept in better touch with.  It's hard when you move around, though.

greyhoundloner03 said...

Its funny how people come and go in life. I often wonder when I meet someone, what category they'll fall into: stay or go?
Hang in there, sweetie.

readmereadyou said...

Thanks for sharing pieces of the past with us.
As for writer's block. Lately, I know it well. I think I'm just lazy.

kathleenggoode said...

I know I should not laugh, but that sleeping bag incident warrants a Darwin.  I am so sorry, but I am cracking up thinking about it! LOL! Forgive me! Probably this is the kind of comment I need to learn to not post.

I am afraid of getting writer’s block.  Moreover, honestly I could write about the arrogance of referring to myself as a writer, it is as if I have been waiting for a certificate in the mail saying I am officially a writer once and until one I am lying about my title.  One of my journal entries I wrote about fingernail pain.  I woke up one morning and said, can I take a trivial subject and write about it?  My toenail was hurting so I gave it a go.  The entry was not that bad.  

For some one who claims to be suffering from writer’s block this entry kept me reading.  

I just now understand the significance of impressions in others’ lives.

judithheartsong said...

oh, Mary....... wonderful entry. Hugs to you, judi

emfeasel said...

..things happen...sometimes it's best we loose touch, or loose our sanity..other times, it just happens....who's to say why..


indigosunmoon said...

It just happens that way sometimes.  I know myself that I have lost touch with several friends.  After a while without speaking, you feel so wierd talking to them again.  It's like they slowly became a stranger to you.  I miss one friend in particular.  We spent many nights whining to each other on the phone until the wee hours of the morning.  We were the best of friends.  Now, we occasionally see each other at Walmart, and always end our conversations with "call me sometime"
Of course, no one ever calls.
Great entry!

garyvp said...

I especially liked this entry. I think writer's block comes from not looking closely enough at the apparently mundane situations around us and finding new insights in them. You overcame it here.

mavarin said...

I've been thinking about this, too.  There are friends who meant a lot to me at certain times of my life, and yet I've nothing to say to them now, even if I knew where they were. What do I say? "How have you been these past 30 years?" I have a friend whose house I visited every day for a year or two, but she got bored with me. Now that her twin is dead she lives thousands of miles away, never calls or emails, pops up once every years or two to say hello.  One of my three best friends from college, BC, I've never heard from except one letter the first year.  Two other close friends of yesteryear I've tracked via web, but never contacted them.  Will I? Dunno. - Karen

quroboros said...

It is sad when you think back on the relationships you used to have but don't anymore.. especially if you really miss those people.  But in most cases, it's the TIMES we miss more than the people.  Don't remember who said it- 'you can't go home again,' but that's been too true for me.   Good entry!  ¤Holly

krobbie67 said...

Unfortunately, life seems to get in the way. I feel fortunate that I have friends that I've known for nearly 20 years but see them so rarely because they aren't in close proximity. I think it actually makes staying connected possible. If we lived in the same area and allowed long periods of time to go by without connecting, the guilt would make the time even longer and eventually we would lose all touch. By being so far away, it seems okay and we just pick up where we left off. Does that make sense? :-) ---Robbie