Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Where do Discarded Dreams go?

I have a journal in my Bloglines that I rarely access. I allow it to fill up to overflowing!! 137 posts! A journalist, no less. I clicked on her blog yesterday and then linked to another blog that has had me thinking for two days!

The fascinating entry is here.

"........All those moments when they finally did that thing they've always wanted to do and how it made them feel."

I immediately began to run the film titled "Mary's 2005" looking for that dream I fulfilled. Certainly I did a lot of things this year. I moved from my small home town to a city 300 miles away. I survived a category 4 hurricane. I quit a job, got offered several jobs, then basically got my old job back. I failed. I adjusted. I endured. I stretched myself. And I amazed myself!

The most significant undertaking that I have yearned to do for over 20 years, was to reconnect with my college friend, no my closest college friend who marched into middle age with me (if you call 30 years old middle age) then we had a terrible falling out and had not spoken for 20 years.

I think about her often. Usually around her birthday, which is close to the first day of Spring. I always think about her at Christmas time, taking the ornaments out of boxes and hanging all her treasures that I inherited. (We shared apartments for years and years.) I think about her whenever I reminisce about Murray State University, get dreamy about all the years I lived in Louisville, or watch a Louisville game, or go to Louisville. Whenever it is Derby time or Octoberfest, I think about her. When I go to the Chow Wagon or the Cherokee Triangle Art Show, drive by Phoenix Hill, drive down Bardstown Road I see her ghost among all the people.

I tried to find her, track her down many different ways over the years. All led to dead ends.

Then I tried about a year ago! And there she was!!! I signed up for the Gold Membership with great hope. It seemed such a perfect plan! I was so psyched and so excited and practically giddy with anticipation.

And it bombed. Nothing.

I felt maybe that she had not forgiven me after all these years. The evil words that I had spoken were still a great wall between us. The things that best friends put each other through at times were too monumental for her to allow to flow under the bridge.

After several nights of vivid dreams about Murray State I decided to give it another try. So what if I get my feelings hurt again! Damn it, I'll just try again later!

This time she answered.

How did it make me feel?  I cried for joy. I have never actually cried from joy before. The feeling was like fireworks going off. Fireworks of exultation!

When you love someone you carry them around forever in your heart.

The cracks in my heart, and there are many, one of them is healing now.

And that is the thing I have wished for. For 20 years


artloner said...

I am so happy for you, sweetie.  Good Work!



my78novata said...

ah i have been wondering where lots of my friends are I want to find or wonder about i was on class mates btu they were nt there. I have tried several places. maybe one day ifits meant to be it will be

nellemclaughlin said...

OH I am so happy for you. I have two friends that I am in touch with that went to junior h.s. with me. Over the years we have had our tiffs but we always make up and it's so nice to have someone to talk to who shares your history. Hope you have a grand reunion. :)

myrdog said...

I had a friend, we didn't have a falling out or anything, we just lost touch. I would dream about her. I tried and tried to find her and finally did. We talked and she said she never wanted to lose touch again. But I wrote her and she never answered. I sent her an e-mail through but she didn't answer. It has been ten years since I got in touch with her. She evidently doesn't want to have anything to do with me and I can't understand why. She was very nice on the phone. I have wondered if maybe she has put on a lot of weight and doesn't want me to see her. That's all I can think of. How I wish we could be friends again.

suzypwr said...

An unscarred heart has never really loved, you know? So did you get together? Is she living any place nearby? Details, girl!


blondepennierae said...

How lovely.  Re-connecting after all these years.  That is so extra special.  Pennie

yakima127 said...

So cool!  JAE

randlprysock said...

Awesome to find a friend again, especially ones we connect with.  I have so many discarded dreams... sometimes it sure does hurt.  I think it is hard to know what to do when this happens.  Good for you for seeing this one through and taking chances.

mavarin said...

That's great!  Good luck reconnecting! - Karen

readmereadyou said...

That was nice. I tried to find an old friend of mine but to no avail. I went to too. She wasn't listed. It's nice to see that people really do find people and connect again. : )


ally123130585918 said...

How wonderful...What more can you ask for but being reunited with your friend....

mutualaide said...

Happy for you.  I wonder how many of us have that 'someone' in our lives?  I know I do.  We have connected off and on through the years but haven't been able to get beyond.  Still trying.  Glad you are too!

sunflowerkat321 said...

I am so, SO happy for you.  I reconnected with a college friend after Meg died this year and it was wonderful.  I have some other people I've been wanting to contact, but holding off.  This story gives me a push.  I hope you and she enjoy getting caught up and rebuilding what you once had.

mtrib2 said...

There are people in my memory that I will never forget.   That is about all I can do for now, is to let it be all memories.   Thank you for your comment in my journal.   I hope your New Years Eve is wonderful,    mark

sunnyside46 said...

I am so glad for you. It would be heartbreaking to lose a close freind.
Please tell me how it all works out