Wednesday, May 31, 2006


Joy and Frustration
Last week my daughter called and informed me that S. had proposed to her and she had accepted. I was overjoyed and began crying! I am so happy for her. Thrilled for her.

After the moment, I immediately began planning the wedding.

I have to butt out. This is her wedding and they will do it the way HE wants.

I am annoyed beyond words. He is an introvert and does not want a large wedding. She is succumbing to his wishes. If he had his way, they would just slip away and have a civil ceremony. I have a large family and tons and tons of friends I want to share this joy with. IT is becoming apparent this is not going to be a typical Irish wedding.

To say I am disappointed would be an understatement. I want to get him alone in a room for a few minutes and tell him exactly how it is going to be, but I love my daughter and I want her to be happy. And if making him happy makes her happy....then so be it. I don't have to like it. Yet, I must accept it.

I wrote out a long list of things she needs to be doing.

He freaked out at the length of the list. "This is exactly what he did not want." She informed me.

What?? No photographer? No flowers? No invitations? No guest list? No caterer? No wedding dress?

I am 300 miles away and it will be impossible for me to help out with details. She can not put it off and think it will all come together the week before.

How do you survive this?


oceanmrc said...

Congratulations to all!!!!!

Do you know his mother?  Perhaps she could explain to him what the roles of the bride and her mother are in the planning of The Wedding?  It might help him to know that "that's exactly what he doesn't want" is the response of virtually all grooms.

Barring that kind of all-out assault, maybe you and dd and future dh could sit down and work out some compromises?  A teeny bit of an Irish wedding and a teeny bit more of the  more than he's hoping to get away without?

artloner said...

Oh Honey!  Such Wonderful News!  Best Wishes to them both!  As for how to survive this? <sigh>  I know you just want the best for your daughter, but you don't want to butt heads with anybody either.  What if you offered to throw them a party after the wedding? Or before?  I have heard of many parents who have done that...if the wedding was very small, or perhaps in a far away locale, they throw a big party when the new couple returns.  Then you can do it on your terms, cause' it's your party.  Flowers, photographers, the works!

I know you'll figure out something.  You are graceful and kind, and I have no doubt you will have this solved in no time.

All my love and congratulations,

Andi  :)

tc01hm said...

Best of luck all around and Congrats to the couple!
Besides being Irish there is that Southern blood pumping too! The 'after the fact party' is a good suggestion. Tell him that they don't have to plan a thing, just show up.  All he needs to do is supply you with the list from his side( if he wants anyone there at all!).
We had a large wedding but it was all my side, my mother-in-law did exactly this suggestion for my husband's side of the family. It worked and kept my husband calm.

rap4143 said...

Congratulations.  Mom a word of advice butt out!!! Ask me how I know this wise bit of information?  Two kids weddings :). I know it is hard but I remember our wedding was what my mother in law wanted and not me/us....we had 300 family members and had no room for our friends :(. BTW we paid for our wedding.

The wedding will be lovely I promise you,


sunflowerkat321 said...

Congratulations to you all....what WONDERFUL news!!

You didn't mention if they have a date...but maybe he just needs some time to ease into the idea of a larger affair.  Take a deep breath and let the dust settle, then try and approach your daughter and her fiance about what you'd like to see.  Make sure they understand that it is NOT about you wanting to "run the show" (mother's in law often get labeled as "control freaks")....but about you wanting to share your joy with your family and friends.  There has to be some middle ground.

suzypwr said...

Congratulations and let them do what they want. It's their wedding! You can have a party with your family without them once it's over :)


hewasolddog299 said...

You've heard it before. You have even whispered it to yourself, subconciously. Butt out, mother. It's their wedding -- let them choose what they want.

Go with Andi's suggestion and throw them a gala Irish wake after the deed is done. All they have to do is show up, more or less on time. You can do what you want at your own party. You can spring for a deliciously sexy, expensive gown for your little girl and require old stick-up-the-arse to rent a tuxedo when it comes to the party, but if they want to tie the knot in bermuda shorts and tank tops -- so be it.

In the meantime, they can have that quiet, civil ceremony, with just the parents and a justice of the peace, if that is what they want.

It is all good.

am4039 said...

congrats on your daughter getting married. That is wonderful. As hard as it's going to be and yep it's going to be hard. Just let them plan there day. You will survive. Just keep saying this is for my daughter.

ryanagi said...

Well...speaking as someone who had a butt-in-ski mother who took control of everything and refused to see reason or compromise (while spending OUR money in the process cause they were broke)... tread carefully.  Make suggestions. Offer to pay for what you can afford.  Find options that might appeal to the introvert. Offer to help or take control of specific tasks. But don't push.  What happens if you push or throw a fit? I was forced to cancel my own wedding and move it to another state. It wasn't pretty.  But this is your only daughter, right?  Her fiance needs to see reason.  Weddings are important to the parents too.  This is a HUGE moment.  Good luck!

coy1234787 said...

Give it a few days to sink in for all of you,
I'm sure it will all work out for everyone
involved, you wicked witch you ;-)

BTW ... Congratulations to your daughter
I'm sure it will end up being the perfect
irish/introvert wedding.

                      *** Coy ***

readmereadyou said...

You bite your tongue and do nothing. I've been through two of my children's small. I didn't say a word for either and I'm glad I didn't, although I really wanted to scream a few times. No, they weren't how I would have planned them but it's what they wanted. Stinks but you get over it. At least they are both still married which is the most important thing. Try to, at least, take lots of photos yourself and video. Cameras are so small today. Maybe, he won't notice. : )

onemoretina said...

    Oh, is this a tough one.  And the truth is, you really can't do much right now.  BUT ... after the excitement of the announcement  calms down, you might have a discussion with your daughter, and ask her what it is that SHE wants.  If it differs from her fiance, you could suggest, in a helpful way, that they do some compromising, so that she doesn't have regrets later.  
    I'm betting that as time goes along, she will start to have her own feelings about how she wants things, and that may be where you come in.  If she insists that she is on the same page with him, as far as not wanting a fuss, then I think that Andi's idea is a good one.  Throw them a party after the fact, and you can do it however you like.  
    I am really hoping that it turns out to be something that everybody is happy with.  I know you must be feeling so badly about this.  But, hang in there, Mom.  I just married off a daughter a few years back, and plans seem to change as the time goes by.  All the best to you, and if you need any pointers, well .... I've been there and done that, and I have books !! lol      Tina

nellemclaughlin said...

To me the person paying is the one who makes most of the decisions. If they are expecting you to pay then you should have at least some input. One of our friends got married in Canada with only one set of parents present. When they arrived home her parents put a tent in the yard and had 200 guests. They wore their wedding outfits. It was really nice. I would remind your daughter that it is HER day and she should have the most input. Compromises are usually made but when I had a wedding my parents paid for it was their way. When I paid for my second wedding it was MY way. The groom had little say in either case. LOL

mtrib2 said...

I wish you the best and have no idea what to tell you except I think you are thinking of your daughter's happiness.    I hope it goes as well as possible.    Thanks for visiting my journal.     I have thought and thought about that toy and the only thing I can remember is that the batteries leaked and I was disappointed that it no longer would work.     I am so glad my brother saved it for me to think about something that was from my earliest childhood.     Hope you have a good week ahead.   mark

jevanslink said...

My younger daughter is getting married in London in September.  She lives there. All I have to do is get there.  She and her fiance have planned everything. From where the wedding will be for the immeidate family only, to where the reception will be three days later for immediately family and THEIR friends. Not to mention all the parties in between. She sends me pictures of her choices for wedding dresses, flowers, you name it. And asks my opinion. This is so easy.  His family will have a reception for their friends a couple of weeks later.  We'll have a big, more causal party over here for her side of the family during the holidays probably.

You put it best -- it's her wedding -- or rather, THEIR wedding. Sit back, relax, and enjoy it.  

Like that's going to h appen.

Mrs. L