Friday, April 30, 2004

Best Advice


I am not very good at taking advice since I am a notorious know it all.  I am not one to give advice either.  Except to Joe and Bridget, and they call it nagging.  Go figure.

What I will tell you all about is the best advice I did receive from my Mom some years ago.

So that you guys do not think I am a monster, I'm going to give you some background.  I went to private Catholic schools until college.  So I did not know F. very well.  We are both from the same county in central Kentucky and when we found out we were going to school at Murray State University together we decided to be room mates.

I was so proud to have F. as a friend.  She was ultra popular at home and at MSU.  She was immediately elected a class representative, became a member of the most popular sorority, had a hunky boyfriend in a cool fraternity.  On top of that, she was gorgeous, very smart, and kind.   I love F. Having her as my room mate and eventually my best friend made me feel great about myself.

Times change.  Things change.  F. married the wrong guy.  He took her out of Kentucky and moved her to Detriot.  He resumed his education and ultimately became a psychiatrist.  They had two children, a beautiful home in Southfield, and a perfect life from the outside looking in.

What was really happening was that he was driving F. crazy, I mean really driving her to drink.  And that she did.  After the marriage crumbled, it was found out he had a girlfriend, whom he married days after the ink was dry on their divorce.

Then he became determined to have the house.  It was hers as long as she had custody of the children.  They waged a custody battle for several years.  She drank more and more, and began to slip into what I can only determine to be a psychosis.He won.  The children went to him, then he went after the house.  And in time, he got that.  He put her on the street.  

She showed up at "home" with a U-haul full of her furniture.  Her brother drove her to my apartment. And left her.Her family was at their wits end with her drinking and bouts of insanity.  She could not hold a job, she drank morning and night.

My Mom gave me the best advice I have ever received.  She told me to tell F. that she had six months to stay with me and get herself on herfeet.

When one is over the edge as F. was, well only a professional could help her.  She refused to go to AA, "Only a bunch of alcoholics go to that!  I am not an alcoholic.  I drink to self medicate myself, there is a difference."

Bridget use to find the vodka bottles in her bedroom and pour them down the drain.Bridget was 11 at this time. I began to count the days until the six months were over.  I would drive home from work and see her car in the driveway and my stomach would turn.

I love F. as if she were my sister.  She is the only person I would have or could had ever shared life with in a small tiny college dorm room. My friend no longer exists.

When it was six months, she left.  Every so often she shows up on my door step.  She no longer requires a U-haul. A suitcase will do.

18 comments:

mlraminiak said...

That is SO sad.  If I was a praying person, I would pray for F.  God, I hope she can get it together some day!  Lisa  :-]

my78novata said...

OH thats so sad. I am so sorry to hear that. The loss of a friend is sad. We miss many of our freinds. I know the heart ache there. From one central Ky person to another , I sincerly hope your freind finds peace and help. Lori

wfhbear said...

We had a friend who wound up in that type situation. She married a guy and worked while he went to law school. When school was over and he didn't need her paycheck anymore he divorced her. She went right out and found another guy. This one was a boozer but, he had a job and kept her in a nice house. No one sees her anymore we think that she is just to embarrassed to face any of her friends. This saddens us as we always welcomed her and her new husband in to our home. There are some good folks in this world who never "catch a break". It is sad.

sistercdr said...

My heart is breaking for your friend and for you. I can only imagine how difficult both living with her and letting her go had to be. You're a heck of a woman, and your friend will be in my prayers.

donah42 said...

I have been in this situation also. It's so hard to know when you're actually helping someone or when you're enabling them to continue on their path of self-destruction.... Hard as it was, I think you made the right call.

chefgracegeorge said...

Heartbreaking.  I know that it was even difficult to type
that.  Thank you for sharing that, Mary, hopefully it will ease your burden.  You are special.  I will pray that your friend realizes that she is, too.

bernmilo said...

oh yes...i seem to know many people like that...and it was great advise!
http://journals.aol.com/bernmilo/WAYNEATOPICTURES

slowmotionlife said...

What a sad story.  Isn't it funny how circumstance can change a person entirely?  Sliding doors... one small wrong step on the path of life and your whole future changes, rots.  Terrible.

Your mother was wise in her advice.  And I'm sorry to hear that you lost your "friend".  :(

mrccgoody said...

This is so sad, my heart breaks for you.  It's so hard to reach an alcoholic who's in denial, I know - you did the best thing you could.

janothy said...

what a truly heartbreaking story.  I think you provided the right advice to her.  I have respect for you for allowing her the full six months-I don't think i could have doneit for that long.  Thanks for sharing your story.

sonensmilinmon said...

I have to echo the sentiments here about this being heartbreaking.  Letting go can be the hardest of all.  

Monica

krobbie67 said...

Wow, that must be so sad to know what she was and what she has become. Don't give up hope though Mary. My roommate was in her early 60's and quit drinking. I never thought she would. I was ready to move out because I just couldn't stand seeing her stumbling and slurring all the time and something just clicked for her. I think it was something with her kids. But, whatever it was it happened. Thanks for sharing this and for the card. Smelled nice! I sure hope you got to slither and run for the roses. ;-) ---Robbie

rha4497496 said...

Your Mom gave you great advice!  I'm glad you listened.  I didn't always listen to my blessed Mom, and often had to learn the hard way.  I'm kind of a know it all too.  Wow!  I admitted it!  That's a first!  lol!

lucylouladybug said...

That's a sad story, but unfortunately, I've seen that too, and understand how it can happen.  

~Penny~
http://journals.aol.com/lucylouladybug/OnTheTipOfMyWings

yakima127 said...

This is incredibly sad.  What a huge loss for you...You are a very strong person to let go like that, and make her be responsible for herself.  Your Mom is a very wise woman...

indigosunmoon said...

I've seen alcoholism ruin the lives of my family.  It also ruined my marriage of 14 yrs. My ex drank to escape...and he did escape....he lost his family.   This is such a sad story, but oh so true.  Thanks for sharing, what I know must still be painful for you.  -Connie
journals.aol.com/indigosunmoon/Thoughtsonmylifeandothermindless

quroboros said...

How very tragic.  It's especially hard to watch someone you care about throw their life away.. even more so when they refuse to see the truth themselves.  ¤Holly

haikulike said...

Wow, well-said.  I hope she eventually lets AA help.