Sunday, February 6, 2005

The First Love Stays With You Forever


I have had a ghost visiting me all week. He has been with me everyday, every minute holding out a key for me to accept. It opens a huge wooden door that will allow me to enter into this beautiful garden. A perfumed garden of memories. Along side the fragrant flowers lies the truth.

I hesitated all week. I was comfortable living with my reality of the events, of my reality of how things were. I'm not sure if I was ready to let go of the sugar coated, butterfly and popsicle fantasies that I held close to my heart for thirty years.

I had a pile of letters he had written to me over the years we were together and circumstances dictated we be apart. I could not touch them until yesterday, and they were as revealing as I feared. I could only read two out of the many, before I had to stop.

I was an immature young girl ill prepared and unaware of what I was into, what I had. I had everything I ever wanted, everything I ever dreamed about, wished for. And I blew it.

I was self-centered, arrorgant, and inconsiderate. Not all the time...but my insecurities over rode everything. Today, a damn bulb went off over my head and  I thought...."Oh....Hell". Oh boy. God forgive me. John forgive me. Though I am certain he did a long time ago. When I met him, he had just emerged from a self inflicted "dropping out". How could I not realize....(I was really just a dummy)...about depression?

We were together almost three years. We were very, very close. And then  I did something very stupid. Being the good Catholic School Girl, I had to confess to him seeking redemption.

And that was that. He broke up with me.

I was in a Service Merchandise in Louisville one afternoon seven years after the break-up. And there he was. I had not seen him in that period of time. I remember exactly what I was wearing, a beautiful white wool dress from Neiman Marcus in Houston. I had long hair (again) but my room mate had just given me a perm (this was the big hair era of the '80's ) and it looked pretty good, except for the right side, it was kind of frizzy.

  I saw him.   He was on the other side of the store, but I knew instantly it was him. I was in line and I turned to the woman behind me, "How does my hair look?" I asked, she looked kind of startled but then told me to tuck the right side behind my ear. I approached, my heart pounding so loud that I heard it in my ears.

I just stood next to him. He turned. It was as if time stood still for those few moments just looking at each other. The we hugged

We went out into the parking lot and talked. I told him all about Bridget......that is all I remember. She was four years old.

"I love you" I said as we parted.

"I love you" he said.

When the phone book came out the next year, his number was gone.


chasenkids said...

This made me cry!!!!!

Your blog gets me.... I love it!


nellemclaughlin said...

THis reminds me SO  much of a meeting with my first love when my son was 2 1/2. He told me he had met someone else. He said that if he left that day I would never see him again that he wasn't going to wait any longer. He had waited while I married someone else and then had a baby and he had waited five years. I told him I had a baby and responsibilities that I had to honor. He drove away and I never saw him again. I kept tabs on him through his family members I knew. He died a few years ago of lung cancer. He married someone else and had two children but I never stopped wondering how things might have turned out for us.

sistercdr said...

It kills me how those confessions often hurt us.  

dcmeyer420 said...

Gosh, this makes me wanna cry. I wanna hug you so tight right now. Mary, you are a very honest person and I am sorry that your honesty made a person you love turn his back on you.

mlraminiak said...

The "benefits" of living in a small town.  Living in the huge metro area that I did, people could walk out of your life and stay never even occurred to you that you might see them again.  What a special pain that must have been...  Lisa :-]

mrccgoody said...

you've brought to the front of my mind so many of my own memories with this series of stories...thank you so much for sharing these...

redhdka said...

This gave me chills and put tears in my eyes. I do believe he was with you when you read those letters. That might have been the reason for all these entries to begin with. To eventually get to him.

k2plus2 said...

How powerful.  

judithheartsong said...

these are powerful entries. Thank you for sharing, judi

jryle79 said...

for once I'm dumbfounded...this entry stirred up a lot of emotion.

But in this age of the internet, I bet "John" wouldn't be that hard to find.

- John (the photographer)

my78novata said...

wonderful entries Brings back old memories for me too LORI

hope5555 said...

It sounds like a very intense relationship.  Still, if it were really meant to be, he would have forgiven you.

readmereadyou said...

Amazing entry. You write so well that I could feel the feelings.

sonensmilinmon said...

Whew, I was holding my breath when you went to approach him ... and I didn't even realize I was holding my breath!  You really ought to write for a living. :-)


garyvp said... really know how to break a guy's heart...outstnding, just outstanding.

yakima127 said...

You had my total attention, amidst a very loud television, two boys talking/arguing, three dogs running about playing and growling...and I was engrossed in this have a way with words...I feel so fortunate to share in your memories...JAE

belfastcowboy75 said...

No Regrets, by Tom Rush

I know your leavin's too long overdue
For far too long I've had nothin' new to show to you
Goodbye dry eyes I watched your plane
Fade off west of the moon
And it felt so strange to walk away alone

No regrets, no tears goodbye
Don't want you back, we'd only cry, again
Say goodbye, again

The hours that were yours, echo like empty rooms
The thoughts we used to share, I now keep alone
I woke last night and spoke to you, not thinking you were gone
It felt so strange to lie awake, alone

No regrets, no tears goodbye
Don't want you back, we'd only cry, again
Say goodbye, again

Our friends have tried to turn my nights to day
Strange faces in your place can't keep the ghosts away
Just beyond the darkest hour, just behind the dawn
Still feels so strange to lead my life, alone

I've no regrets, no tears goodbye
Don't want you back, we'd only cry, again
Say goodbye, again

emfeasel said...

Between your entry and Cowboy's comment, I am reaching for the kleenex.....E

lotzamoe said...

My wife's gonna be pissed. I dried my eyes and blew my snotty nose on her new Martha Stewart dish towel.

suzypwr said...

This was great, Mary! Don't stop!

cneinhorn said...

keep it going!  these storeis  are great....~JerseyGirl

slowmotionlife said...

This writing is really amazing.  It reminds me of what it felt like to be young and in love.  It's sad to me that people miss opportunities like this.  That first love is powerful stuff.  I don't think any of us ever really get over it.