ADDICTED TO LOVE (part XIII)
I have had a ghost visiting me all week. He has been with me everyday, every minute holding out a key for me to accept. It opens a huge wooden door that will allow me to enter into this beautiful garden. A perfumed garden of memories. Along side the fragrant flowers lies the truth.
I hesitated all week. I was comfortable living with my reality of the events, of my reality of how things were. I'm not sure if I was ready to let go of the sugar coated, butterfly and popsicle fantasies that I held close to my heart for thirty years.
I had a pile of letters he had written to me over the years we were together and circumstances dictated we be apart. I could not touch them until yesterday, and they were as revealing as I feared. I could only read two out of the many, before I had to stop.
I was an immature young girl ill prepared and unaware of what I was into, what I had. I had everything I ever wanted, everything I ever dreamed about, wished for. And I blew it.
I was self-centered, arrorgant, and inconsiderate. Not all the time...but my insecurities over rode everything. Today, a damn bulb went off over my head and I thought...."Oh....Hell". Oh boy. God forgive me. John forgive me. Though I am certain he did a long time ago. When I met him, he had just emerged from a self inflicted "dropping out". How could I not realize....(I was really just a dummy)...about depression?
We were together almost three years. We were very, very close. And then I did something very stupid. Being the good Catholic School Girl, I had to confess to him seeking redemption.
And that was that. He broke up with me.
I was in a Service Merchandise in Louisville one afternoon seven years after the break-up. And there he was. I had not seen him in that period of time. I remember exactly what I was wearing, a beautiful white wool dress from Neiman Marcus in Houston. I had long hair (again) but my room mate had just given me a perm (this was the big hair era of the '80's ) and it looked pretty good, except for the right side, it was kind of frizzy.
I just stood next to him. He turned. It was as if time stood still for those few moments just looking at each other. The we hugged
We went out into the parking lot and talked. I told him all about Bridget......that is all I remember. She was four years old.
"I love you" I said as we parted.
"I love you" he said.
When the phone book came out the next year, his number was gone.