Why can't I be normal?

I think I might have to break down and go visit the Doctor tomorrow.  I think I am having an allergic reaction to the pound bag of peanuts covered with cinnamon and sugar I devoured LAST WEEK! 

Whenever I go to the office, I know they take out my file and begin laughing.  I can't go when I have something normal, like the flu...oh no, I'm there because I can't stand it any longer and sneak out of the house in my agony.

This past summer it was posion ivy.  I was covered with it.  Looked like I  put it in the bathtub, filled with water, then took a masochistic soak.  I even  had it in my ears!  "This is the worst case I have ever seen, and I have seen some doozies." He told me.

Last spring, I swear I was bit at the bottom of my spine by a spider!  I could not sit, I could not drive, I could only cry.  When I was able to contort myself into a position like a yoga instructor, I was able to stand with my back to the mirror and twist enough to see the area...I almost fainted!  I won't describe the horror I saw.  The doctor took one look and said, "Shingles"....sometimes I wonder about his schooling...it was a spider bite!

Now, my lips are the size of Massachuset.  Joe thought I was taking collagen treatments behind his back.  He's taken to calling me, "Melanie" in reference to big lipped Melanie Griffith.  I have iced these babies, taken antihistamine capsules but for the third day in a row I have woken up to a swollen abomination.

Why can't I just have the flu?